Sterbenz Family Tour of France: The Louvre

Today, the Sterbenz family decided we didn't have enough Asian Tour Groups in our social circle (admittedly, we've felt isolated being Americans in a French speaking country) so we headed out to the Louvre early this morning. Essentially, you have about 2-3 hours before every room is inundated with the worst human tripods the world has to offer. Like a swarm of electronic bees, cellphones and digital cameras buzz above your head, crowding each Salon, all of them jockeying for a chance to capture memories of what they consider insufficiently represented on Google Image Search.

As your complimentary gift for reading "I Am An Idiot," I've decided to distill my experience into a handy guide to save you those precious minutes wasted walking behind an Italian couple that smells like beef and walks 1 meter every 4 minutes.

"Victoire de Samothrace" (cir. 190 BC)
Discovered as 118 different fragments of Parian Marble in 1893 that were eventually assembled into the winged statue seen in the picture above. Also known as the largest epicenter of Strollers and Obnoxious French Adolescents in all of Europe.

"Pas, Je Pense Qu'il A Semblé Meilleur Dans L'oreillette" (cir. 1650)
No, I think I liked the blue vase better in the atrium...

"Sachet à Thé" (cir. 200 BC)
Based on early Greek Mythology, this was the first realization of young King Prium getting Teabagged by his brother Patroclus. Prium had awoken, immediately seeking retribution. Artist unknown.

"Mona Lisa" (cir. 1519)
Forget about La Joconde, 2010 is all about Le Japon, baby. Who needs semblance and order when you can have all of Tokyo pushing elbows into your face to take a picture of a painting that could fit into a manilla envelope and is most likely NOT the original (see Vincenzo Peruggia, or hell, put that Tom Clancy s**t down and order this). I don't know what they have on television in Japan, but Da Vinci sure as hell created one hell of a Pop following in Kyoto and Osaka.

"Ma Joie" (cir. 2007 to Present)
My girls...

"Singe de Chausette" (cir. 2010)
If you like Tube Socks about as much as you like someone restricting your airflow and shoving s**t up your a**, Rue de Charlot is your place to go. You don't have to spend your days pining for someone to bridge the gulf between Hardcore BDSM and that Sock Monkey you like to masturbate on. In Paris, it's all Win-win, baby.